“Why” is one of the most straightforward, direct, and pointed things we can ask. But when it comes to talking about people’s feelings “why” is one of the most off-putting questions. It immediately insinuates that feelings must have a reason. And rather than creating space for someone to just feel, it reorients them to justify and defend their feelings.
If asking a question would help move the conversation forward, a more inviting option is to ask: how did you come to feel this way? It opens a channel for someone to describe how they got to where they are, rather than why they are there. The same approach applies to other “why” questions that tend to evoke a defensive response.