It works the opposite of how we want it to work. The small jabs and backhanded comments may hit the other person, but it’s a lot less clean than a direct hit and the rest of the attempted blow comes back to smack us. It’s a classic failure to launch and also an excellent lesson in what happens when we aren’t straightforward about what we really want (to be affirmed, to be seen, to be loved).
When we attempt to push our feelings of hurt on someone else, it ends up stinging us more. Not because our feelings of hurt aren’t valid, but because when we hide hurt under anger and hide what we long for under jabs and backhanded comments, we block anyone from actually knowing us. We bury ourselves in the defense (e.g., being passive aggressive), rather than risking being known and seen. The risk will be messier, it may not work, we might be rejected, but it holds a lot more potential than our passivity or aggression.