For every mean, shitty, destructive thing we say to those around us, we need at least five positive things to counterbalance it. There is research to back it up. The goal is not to abolish all destructive things we do or say, it is to strengthen our positivity ratio. It’s a nice idea to say we will never say anything hurtful again. It isn’t realistic though. Building your positivity ratio is.
We boost this ratio by how we respond to each other’s bids for connection. In other words, how well (and how often) we actively engage with what our partners, our friends, and our colleagues bring up as important to them. We can boost our relationships with ourselves in the same way. What if you got really curious about you and responded to your own bids for connection? What if for every put down you said to yourself, you said at least five support things to counterbalance? If we boost our positivity ratio with ourselves, we naturally begin to boost the ratio with everyone around us.